Friday, January 28, 2011

Wishing On A Star

I wish I may, I wish I might…we’ve all wished before; whether it was when we were children wanting a new bike or a teen trying to upgrade to a car. Sometimes we wish for health, money or opportunities, all valid wants. But there is one wish I hear repeated that I just can’t seem to understand, women wishing to be men.

Now I don’t mean going from Tina to Tom, I mean women who no longer want to own their role as a woman, and act and behave as a man. I hear so often from women, “I’m like a guy”, ”I think like a man”, or my favorite, “I can have sex like a man”. First off…no you’re not and no you don’t. Most importantly, why would you want to?

Women have this misguided notion that the grass is greener on the male side. What this stems from is this anger and resentment that women have due to the sexual double-standard our society has placed. “If a woman sleeps around she’s a hoe, but if a man sleeps around he’s a player”.

So as retaliation, more and more women are getting on board with this campaign to break down that thinking by exhibiting what they see as “male behavior”. I understand that no one likes to be told what they can or really what they should or shouldn’t do, but you ladies are really picking the wrong battle. When I hear a woman say that she can have sex like a man, meaning she can have multiple partners with no real emotional connection, the thought that crosses my mind is “wow, your stock just dropped”.

I don’t think you women who feel this way realize just how much your value depreciates with that statement. Now I know it’s easy for me to say this being a man, but that’s all the more reason to listen. Yes, if you are promiscuous we will sleep with you, but we will not value you.

Normally I reserve blunt statements for “A Cold Cup Of Coffee”, but ladies you need to get this, because you’re really messing up right now. You don’t want to be us. Much like when we were kids and our parents told us to do our homework, but there were kids outside playing. Yes the kids outside playing got to have more fun then, but now they’re pumping gas somewhere. It’s about the big picture.

You want a man that respects you; he sees you as someone that makes him better. A man that will honor, love, protect, cherish and provide for you for the rest of his life…WE DON”T DO THAT FOR OTHER MEN!

Look, that double-standard is what gives you the pedestal. We appreciate you for being better than us in that respect. When you remove that and level the bar…well some of you women already know how that goes. No man wants to wife-up a woman that all the men in town “know” (in the biblical sense). We no longer hold you up, you’re one of us, and being eye-level to a man comes with its perks. Have you ever heard how men speak to each other? Is that really how you want to be seen and spoken to?

Ladies, you don’t want to be a man. In most cases we’re void of deep emotions and feelings. Imagine, the reasons why you love all of the songs, movies, actors, even colors that you do, being gone. The sensations you get…history. Now replace them with feelings of frustration, responsibility, insecurity, and discipline. That’s a man’s world. (I mean REAL MEN)

This is to help some of you understand, that we men realize it’s not fair, but it is necessary. Because as men, we love you for all of the things we are not. A world full of all man thinking humans would be horrible. So please keep that in mind before you decide to go off the reservation and do something dumb. Men see other men as irresponsible, immature, dirty pigs, with occasional tendencies to exhibit self destructive behaviors. And you women want to be on this side..?

Before the rest of you jump on board with this nonsense please reconsider, remember the BIG PICTURE.

Women being viewed and treated like men…

be careful what you wish for…

…you just might get it.

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Thursday, January 20, 2011

A Cold Cup Of Coffee: Cheating

This is a special edition of A Moment With Morris. This is part of an ongoing series I affectionately titled "A Cold Cup of Coffee". Bringing you real life without the sweeteners, a cold and sometimes bitter, but always necessary sip of reality. This time we're looking at, Cheating.

Love, exciting and new…no this isn’t a trip on the Love Boat, but it feels like it. The anticipation, excitement , and just pure happiness that comes with an all new romantic experience. We find someone, and suddenly we have a new perspective on life and the world around us. We didn’t know it could be like this!

Then, just as quickly as it came, it’s destroyed in a flash. Infidelity, that s.o.b, rears its ugly head. Cheating, but why?

Everything was so good, so perfect, we just can’t understand it.

First of all, anyone can get cheated on at anytime. (If you’re shouting “not me” at the screen right now, you’re probably getting cheated on as we speak) No one is exempt. No one immune. It doesn’t matter if you’re rich, gorgeous, famous, funny, whatever, everyone of us can get burned. Everyone! This means you…

This isn’t a debate about who cheats more between men and women. This is more of looking at the reasons, why? Let’s just say for today, that men and women cheat at the exact same rate. This “Cold Cup of Coffee” is going to open some eyes, hurt some feelings, and hopefully learn you something.

First of all, women, you need time, love, affection, patience, understanding, a moderate level of coaching, laughter, romance, compliments, etc. What that really means is…everything. As much as you may say you don’t, you do. Find a happy woman in a relationship right now and ask her, “What is it that your man does for you that makes him so great?” You know what her response is, “everything!”

Everything? Setting the bar a little high here don’t you think ladies? You know what a man’s response to that question is..? “She cooks.” Probably with a side of, “she’s freaky”, “she buys me things”, or “she doesn’t trip much”. See the difference? With such a wide discrepancy it would only make sense that our reasons for straying would be so different as well.

A woman cheats because she is unfulfilled, usually in one to two areas. Her man can pay the bills, treat her nice, be great to the kids and she would cheat on him with a man that’s funnier. I knew a woman that had a man that was ideal on paper, but he didn’t dance. She wanted him to take her dancing and he refused because it embarrassed him. She ended up cheating on him with a guy at the club because he was getting his Usher on, really? Her husband was honest, loyal and loving and he got burned because he couldn’t get jiggy wit it?

Sad to say, but far too often "Mr. Saturday Night" trumps "Mr. Monday Morning".

When you have so many bases as a man to cover, it can be difficult to maintain. Oh yes I’ve heard the most ridiculous, semi-retarded reasons for cheating by a woman. “My man’s boring”, I guess the thrill of him paying the mortgage every month isn’t enough? “He doesn’t give me enough compliments”, look, if your man comes home to you every night, is there for you and faithful…there’s your compliment.

You ladies kill me, cheating on your man because he doesn’t know any good jokes. Hooking up with a stranger claiming that mess, “but he makes me laugh”, meanwhile your husband has been working all day to support you…that’s real funny.

What’s even funnier is, you women cheat on the good men, but will stand by faithfully to the sorry ones. The guy who’s been out of work since the last season of Seinfeld, gets your full and undying love.

Men, knowing that your woman, every woman, needs everything, you have to be prepared to be called upon to do it. Understand that yes being told to juggle 15 balls sounds insane, but so what? Relationships weren’t designed or engineered for us. If that was the case, every man would have 20 rotating women that changed with the weather and the NBA, NFL schedule. So suck it up, if you want a faithful woman, in-house and meals on the regular…get to juggling. Keep it together, for every ball you drop, that’s two she’s picking up.

Keeping it real, some of you women aren’t worth the trouble. Men you need to do your homework and your research. Get your scouting report together and find out her score. (see “Player Player” and “What’s Your Number?”)

We men typically don’t require much. Food, sex, and silence are pretty much the standard man’s needs. Everything over that are bonus points. Cold thing about that though, doing excessive things for a man is like taking too many vitamins, it doesn’t do anymore good and it really just gets pissed away.

Other side to that is, by needing so little, men don’t usually have that feeling of, “I’ll never find another one like her.” There’s a certain degree of freedom and relaxed attitude when dealing with low expectations. Taking us to the age old question, “why do men cheat?” This will shock some and confirm the opinions of others. Take a nice, long, cold sip of this reality. A man’s reason for cheating…(as all of the ladies get closer to the screen) there isn’t one.

Let me give you a second to take that in and swish it around, don’t worry, I’ll wait…

Ladies, your man will cheat on you for absolutely no reason at all. You can be attractive, rich, funny, treat him like a king, it doesn’t matter. She can be overweight, unattractive, dirt poor, not even a good person…it doesn’t matter. Men are like goldfish, you can feed them all day and they’ll eat until they die, just because it’s there. For the same reason men climbed Everest, he’ll sleep with someone else. Cold isn’t it? I said this was going to hurt a few feelings.

Now don’t think this gives you a pass to slack as a mate. Just as quickly as he’ll cheat for no reason, he’ll be gone even faster if you give him one.

Here’s the rainbow after the storm ladies, the key is to not stress on why he will, it’s about giving him reasons not too. We all have tendencies, but we weigh out the consequences before acting. Some of you ladies have figured this out, and have come up with creative deterrents.

Some of you have chosen crazy; yes your man is willing to and may have cheated, but that pencil permanently lodged into his rib cage serves as a constant reminder to make better decisions.

Some of you give him so much he doesn’t have time; random acts, in peculiar places can keep his interest longer. Now this isn’t a lock, remember what I said about excess, but it can sway his decision if he’s on the fence.

An often overlooked one; peace and quiet. If your man has been out working all day, dealing with the stresses and b.s. of life, the last thing he wants to do is come home to conflict. Make him feel like home is a place where he can be comfortable. Fill the house with drama...and good luck. You women can either give him a reason to come home or stay away.

The most infamous…stalking. If he’s there, you’re there, maybe on his arm, maybe hiding in the bushes. This is not recommended, yes you may prevent him from cheating, but if you have to go to such lengths, you might just want to find someone else.

Ladies, please don’t get discouraged. This isn’t saying that your man “will” cheat, just that if he does, it’s really about him and not you. Sex is different for men than women. All those emotions and hormones, those feelings of closeness and a connection you women get...we don't have them. To a man, sex is as much a physical act as jumping rope. I'm not devaluing the experience, i'm just letting you know.

True a man doesn’t need a reason, but some are more likely to stray than others. Be selective in choosing a mate. This can weed out a lot of “high risk” relationships. After that, simply love him, trust him, and believe in him, there’s not much more you can do.

Gentlemen if she cheats, it’s pretty safe to say you dropped the ball somewhere. Cheating women typically aren't looking for replacements, more like supplements.

Humans are flawed creatures, we make mistakes. When it happens, the key is to learn from it and not repeat it. I’m not here to taint love, I’m here to bring some real life to the fantasy. Love is exciting and new, enjoy the ride. This is just designed to be a life jacket in case your Love Boat turns into the Titanic.

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Thursday, January 13, 2011

New Year's Revolution

Every day is a new day, but now it’s a new year. It’s a new opportunity to start fresh, to reinvent ourselves, or to simply put it…change. We all know what a “new year” brings; flooded gyms, crumpled cigarette packs, tossed out bottles, all the things to help create a new and better “us”.

So what is it about January 1st that is so inspiring? Were we not the same person just 24hrs ago? Every year of my life that I can remember, the new year was supposed to bring about this whole new understanding to the masses. Yet I’ve seen the same from the same.

The people that were go-getters the previous year stayed the course, while the ones that weren’t...weren’t. The change to the calendar had no change on them. Personally, I love the idea that people want to take a position and make a choice to be better. It’s great to see all of the new early morning joggers, the flooded gym parking lots, and the shining faces of hope for the coming 365 days. But as great as it is to see this January passion, with April showers brings may…laziness.

Where o’ where has the ambition gone, o’ where o’ where can it be? It’s like all of the new found determination evaporates by Spring break. The early morning joggers have faded back to dog- walking retirees. Ashtrays are being scraped for that last butt as a toast to “Miller time” caps off an unproductive day.

Why? Why do we clutch to the belief that January 1st is going to save us from the demons of laziness, complacency, and bad habits of the previous year?

I say we scrap the whole concept of a New Year’s resolution. Instead of making this one day the catalyst to all of our horrible behavior, just change, because we want to, because we need to. By not putting a date on it, we’re more inclined to stick with it, instead of just waiting until the next 1-1-20-- to come around again and save us.

If you’re 30lbs overweight in August, why wait until January to get your jog on? If you’re 35 and sleeping on your mama’s couch in May, get your butt up now! If you weren’t raising your children, holding down a job, just being a REAL man/woman in December…what the hell are you toasting to?! Put that champagne down and pick up the classifieds, and when the countdown ends and the confetti is thrown…slap yourself! Happy New Year!!!

This comes from years and years of hearing the same clich├ęs. “This is my year”. “Things are going to be different.” “This year we taking over!”

No you’re not. No it’s not.

Not if you base your success and plan on Dick Clark telling you the date. Yes it’s a new year, it’s a new day, it’s a new second, make the most of it. Not because a bottle of Cooks told you to, or because every network television station is saying so, but because you’re alive.

No more New Year’s resolutions. Get on the “I’m going to be a better me forever, starting today, because I’m alive” revolution.

And sorry Dick…the revolution won’t be televised.

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Friday, January 7, 2011

Protect This House!

Normally when we think of “Homeland Security”, we’re thinking of our nation and some eminent foreign threat. This isn’t so far off, only, the enemy is within.

While talking with a male friend, one of our female friends happened to walk by. After saying hello she continued on her way. We both looked at her outfit, and then at each other. Without saying a word we were instantly on the same page. Almost simultaneously we said, “no fence at all.”

There is a phrase we use when addressing the need for boundaries within a relationship. This girl isn’t bad, she just dresses provocatively and has a tendency to flirt…drink…stay out late…and…well you get the point, all the while having a boyfriend. A “nice guy”. Now don’t get me wrong, the things she’s doing and her style of dress don’t at all make her a bad person. This is just another example of “no fence around the yard.”

Anyone in an established relationship should know their partner well enough to know where the fence needs to be. There are some men out there that can go to the club with their “boys”. They can laugh, have drinks, and even hold a light-weight flirtatious conversation with an attractive woman. Then they leave, don’t get or give phone numbers, come home to their significant other and call it a night. No harm, no foul.

There are some women out there that can go out with their “girls”. They can head out to happy hour, sip their cosmos and get their “Sex and the City” on. Dressed cute, they’re giggling, loud talking, singing, “he should have put a ring on it…” They’re flirting with the waiter, even borderline shouting to some younger man, “what they’d do to that.” They laugh and gossip, come home to their significant other, and if she’s still buzzed, she might even give him some. No harm, no foul.

If you or your man/woman are these kinds of people, wonderful. You have reached a point of security within yourselves as well as, you know your limitations as to not damage the relationship…that is beautiful. But that’s not always the case.

There are some men out there that need a little more structure, a little more watching. They are the type of men that need homeland security. They need to be protected…from themselves! We all know that man that can’t do the simplest of tasks without adding a degree of “questionable” behavior. Those trips to the store that only last 10 minutes when there’s a game on he’s trying to watch, always seem to take an hour when he’s just picking up some milk. Even a trip to the end of the driveway to get the mail can be a 20 minute exodus if “Miss Parker” Is out watering her lawn. He needs a fence. You give him just enough room in the yard to stretch his legs, but not enough to run. Just enough space to eat, sleep, and not mess himself.

Ladies before you get to smiling and finger pointing, some of you need to have the reigns pulled in as well. There are some women that need “that” attention. I don’t mean basic compliments or moderate feelings of being attractive. They need to feel like every man they see is just dying to sleep with them…and they will say or wear anything (or nothing) to get that response. We all know “that” girl. She’s got a good man; patient, understanding, respectful, he gives her freedom and allows her to be herself. In turn, she responds by getting her stiletto strutting, mini skirt wearing, spandex EVERYTHING on. She’s drunk at the club (without him), she’s out walking hard in 8 inch heeled boots like she’s on the runway for “America’s Next Top Model” at 3pm on a Tuesday. She has to make conversation with every available, (and unavailable) man she sees. (Ladies, she’s the friend you don’t leave your man alone with, and if your girlfriends always take their man with them to the bathroom…it’s you.)

She needs a fence. If you ever wonder why your girlfriend can never go to the club with you or have cocktails, because her man has built that fence. That’s not being controlling, that’s exercising homeland security. He's protecting her from herself.

I get that some men and women are controlling. They have their own insecurities and they place them on their significant others, but some of it is just taking precautionary steps. I know the arguments, “well they’re gonna do what they wanna do, you can’t stop them.” That’s true. If your significant other is determined to cheat, they will. You have no control over that. I also know that I have no control over an earthquake, but I can still secure my home and protect myself. You take the necessary steps to best prevent a negative outcome.

You can’t put a leash on someone. They will tug, pull and resist you. They have to feel like they have a choice. But that doesn’t mean you give up. Relationships are hard, they require work. Some of that is homework. Know who you’re with and what you both need. Be willing to fight to protect what you have from external and internal attacks. Improper homeland security, and even if the rings have been exchanged, you may find yourself singing, “should have put a fence on it.”

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