Sunday, March 13, 2011

A Cold Cup Of Coffee: Vehicular Bitchassness

This is a special edition of A Moment With Morris. This is part of an ongoing series I affectionately titled "A Cold Cup of Coffee". Bringing you real life without the sweeteners, a cold and sometimes bitter, but always necessary sip of reality. This time we're looking at, “Vehicular Bitchassness”.

By now you must be aware of my true disgust for bitchassness behavior. (see A Cold Cup Of Coffee: Bitchassness) I feel it is running rampant through our society and way of life. This virus is carrying over into the work place, schools, and yes…on the road. Bitchassness behind the wheel…

This moment was inspired by the growing number of on the road violations I have encountered. To be clear, I’m not talking about speeding; go as fast as you want, just don’t fly past me at 90mph just to get in front of me and brake down to 45! That’s what’s being addressed, we need to shine the light on “highway hating”; unfocused, irresponsible and ignorant driving.

In case you’re lost, here are a few examples to get us all on the same page…

Example #1

Usually I like to start low and build my way up to the worst offenders, but this time I’m jumping to one of the worst first. I was driving towards an intersection with a car in front of me. The light was green and we were both doing about 45mph. The light turns yellow, we both punch it to about 65. 15yrds before the line the first car has a change of heart and slams on the brakes, so I slam on my brakes to avoid rear ending them. (Not wanting to run the light would have been fine, that’s not the violation) It was when they hit the gas and ran through anyway, only now I couldn’t make the light! Just commit! Vehicular Bitchassness!

Example #2

This is for you drivers that believe you are leading a parade on the freeway. We don’t care about your cruise control setting! If it’s not set fast enough for “fast lane” driving, adjust it or change lanes. Same goes to you parents with the loaded down mini vans, we all know you are not going to make the executive decisions necessary for excessive speeding. Don’t pretend like you’re going to keep up. That middle lane fits you just fine. And let’s not forget about those of you whose spirit is willing, only your car is not…If your automobile lacks the capabilities to be a pace car in the fast lane…in the words of the great Ludacris, “move bitch get out the way!” It’s the “Back to the Future” rule; if your car can’t do 88mph get over McFly!

Example #3

We now turn to the self-centered portion of our program…The unaware individuals that don’t think or see outside of their world. They are more of an irritation than a problem, but still need to be confronted. When you see that a car is waiting to pull out of a parking lot but they can’t because you’re coming…just to have you turn into the SAME lot…use your blinkers! You may not know how to properly communicate, but your car does.

Example #4

On that note…not knowing where you are, but you refuse to man-up and admit it so you drive with your blinker on for miles. 3 in the afternoon and you’re looking to the sky for the North Star. You drive around staring at every street sign with the intensity of a micro-biologist but move at the speed of a motorized wheelchair, meanwhile there’s a line of cars trailing behind like a funeral procession. Obviously lost you continue to slow down at every turn, but NEVER actually turn! GPS! GPS! GPSSSSSSS!

Example #5

This is one of my personal pet peeves. In this great country we have many rights. Though driving is a privilege, once behind the wheel, it is my choice to make stupid decisions. If I break the law, it is me that will suffer the consequences. This violation of Vehicular Bitchassness is for the people that feel they are going to regulate others behavior. They think they are better than all of us, so they are going to dictate how we drive. The drivers that will keep pace with the cars beside them to prevent other cars from speeding…always know that I hate you…

In this world, the growing trend is selfish, self-centered, egotistical behavior. We have allowed this thinking to play out in our mannerisms and actions. If we walk around with these thoughts, it only makes sense that we would drive with them as well. We have got to get a hold of this. These may seem like jokes or driving 101, but it speaks volumes to the way we feel about ourselves and others.

Vehicular Bitchassness must be stopped. We need to come up with a way to test for it. Just like a breathalyzer linked to the ignition for drunk drivers, we can install a tester. This would solve multiple problems; less crowded roads and it might even drop gas prices due to lack of demand. Let’s get someone on this. Forget DUI’s let’s put an end to “Driving Under the Influence of Bitchassness”!

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