Throughout history we as a people have had a fascination with mysteries. From Sherlock Holmes to Scooby- Doo, “Murder She Wrote” to Nancy Drew the sheer idea of figuring out the case has captivated us for years. There’s just something about putting all the pieces together that gives us a rush. To the point where there was even an influx of forensic science students after the second season of CSI. Yes we love a mystery. Maybe too much…
Sometimes we take that need to play detective a little too far in our lives, specifically in our relationships. The slightest inconsistency can spin us out of control in search of clues and suspects. Thursday night dinner can quickly become an episode of “Perry Mason” if those answers aren’t crisp and quick enough.
First of all don’t get me wrong; far too often we have all the facts and evidence of foul play staring us in the face and we do nothing. We let our emotions get the best of us and cloud our good judgement and common sense. That’s not what this is about. This moment is about learning the difference between following up on a lead versus a cold case investigation.
There are many approaches to crime fighting but in relationships I like to refer to it as the “detective” or the “D.A.”
The detective can take the slightest clue and make a case. Something as simple as a finger print or strand of hair can be the jump off to a full blown investigation; witnesses called in, phone records checked…no stone left unturned in this pursuit of the truth. If you’re a detective in your home…then it’s safe to say there are some issues. Obviously you’re dealing with a suspect, and sometimes the suspect is you. That’s right, sometimes that need to get to the bottom of something is really about you playing out your own insecurities. You need for there to be a crime committed and you’re not going to let a little thing like proof stop you. For those of you dealing with a “true” suspect…it’s a 24 hour investigation.
The other way to go about it is what I like to call the D.A. approach. D.A. as in district attorney. They need a certain degree of evidence and information before they decide to investigate. Often there just isn’t enough there to indict, it’s all circumstantial. Maybe there really was traffic or they honestly did lose track of time. You wait for there to be something a little more concrete, but once enough evidence is obtained everyone is questioned and search warrants are executed. Now the D.A. approach is really for the patient. You’ve got to have a poker face. It requires holding your tongue and allowing a potential criminal to run free. Even though you question some of their behavior, you don’t make a move until you know you can get the conviction.
As in most crime stories the guilty party usually exposes themselves; unable to maintain the lies, double-crossing accomplices or so-called friends pulling a “First 48” getting their snitch on, can and often does lead to their downfall. Scooby and Shaggy never figured it out, old man McGregor always ended up confessing.
This may seem a little extreme and it should. Open communication can eliminate a lot of that need to prosecute. In a relationship you should never be excited over the idea of “sweating out” your significant other. There shouldn’t be joy in the sentence, “you know you done f’d up now don’t you?” Relationships are about building a bond…not a case.
The only conviction you need, should be measured by their love for you…
… and if you consistently have to play Sherlock Holmes, maybe you need a new Watson.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 Generic License.