Thursday, September 20, 2012

A Cold Cup Of Coffee: Defective Vagina

This is a special edition of A Moment With Morris. This is part of an ongoing series I affectionately titled "A Cold Cup of Coffee". Bringing you real life without the sweeteners, a cold and sometimes bitter, but always necessary sip of reality. This time we're looking at, Defective Vagina!

Take this time to prepare yourself for a truly “Cold Cup Moment”…don’t worry…I’ll wait.

“There are no good men out there.” “Men ain’t sh*t!” “All the good ones are gay!” Classic lines all used by women who have yet to find that true love. Through countless horrible relationships plagued by lies, deceit, infidelity & all walks of shadiness women have shouted to the mountain tops that Good Men are as much make believe as the Tooth Fairy. Really?

On a planet of 3.5 BILLION men, there are NO good ones walking around living a heterosexual lifestyle..? Hmmm?

It’s safe to say that we can call BS on that one right now! True there is a good number of men out there not doing much with their lives. They sit around, are unemployed, smoke weed like their last name is Marley, and are working on their PHD in Playstation. Yes these men, and I use the term loosely exist. But what about the others? All of the doctors, engineers, attorneys, school teachers, accountants, garbage men, business owners, counselors etc? All of the married and single straight forward stand up guys? They are real, they do exist. So the question is…why are they not dating you?

Notice I didn’t ask “Why aren’t you dating them?” If you have a past history of dating nothing but losers, scrubs, cheaters, and for all intensive purposes…bad guys…you suffer from what we call…DEFECTIVE VAGINA!

Now before you get all, “My stuff is the bomb!” This isn’t about your sexual “skills” or a hygiene issue. This defect is in your “Quality Penis Navigational System”. Your vagina is defective in its ability to find quality penis with a good man attached to it. Because of this defect, your radar has you in all the wrong places looking for all the wrong people. Like a camper lost without a compass, you will find yourself trekking through this dark world drawn to anything that flickers remotely resembling civilization. Since losers are typically loud and stand out their camp is easiest to stumble by.

Ladies you need to own this defect! There are so many quality men out there. The thing is, REAL MEN and Scrub Dudes don’t run together! Eagles don’t fly with pigeons! So if you repeatedly find yourself in these loser circles…MOVE! LEAVE! BREAK LEFT! Do whatever you have to do! Just get yourself out of Loserville to a more promising circle of men. Also know that your vagina is internal hardware, how you feel about yourself inside and where your head is directly effects the direction and the type of guy you will head for. Got to make sure you're good with YOU first.

One step further, Good Men are forged through fire. We go through enough life to prepare us for how we want to be and who we want to be with. Part of that training is dealing with Defective Vagina. We learn how to properly identify you. We will see you coming and calmly walk the other way.

Now there are two exceptions;

1) Sex. A Good Man will have sex with Defective Vagina, but that’s it. We will classify you as a sleeper…not a keeper.

2) Captain’s. Flying through the city looking for D.V. that wants to be saaaaaaaaaaaavvvvvved.

Ladies there is hope! Many of you are unaware that you possess D.V. now that you know, you can take the necessary steps to fix it. Sometimes you have to abandon the map and just use your eyes. Look at the guys you’re meeting, where you find them and who they run with. Like I said eagles don’t fly with pigeons…If there’s nothing but losers in the circles you travel, get into new circles!

This moment is dedicated to all the women that claim that the reason why they can’t find a good man is because they don’t exist…

No, no, no…it’s you.

Creative Commons License This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 Generic License.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Give Me 10: Top 10 Reasons Why Being Older Is Better!

Give me 10: 10 reasons, examples or indicators of a certain behavior. Take the time to use the checklist…you may need to check yourself. Today‘s list: The Top 10 Reasons Why Being Older Is Better!

#10 A stern look becomes a valid response.

#9 You save a bunch on your car insurance.

#8 You get just as drunk at the golf course as you do at the bar…except the women have better jobs.

#7 No one asks you to help them move.

#6 You benefit from young girls with “Daddy Issues”.

#5 You realize that the day is so much easier when you’re not nursing a hangover.

#4 You reach the point where you can still date hot 25 yr olds…and their mothers.

#3 You develop the incredible skill of recognizing what’s wrong with everyone else.

#2 Your savings account balance doesn’t look like an area code.

And the #1 reason Why Being Older Is Better…

….You're just not as stupid anymore…
Creative Commons License This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 Generic License.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Are You Ready For Some Football?!?

The kids are going back to school, the weather is cooling off & the stores are already breaking out the holiday merchandise…that’s right…it’s football season! The most wonderful time of the year…

The 5 months out of the year when there always seems to be a little extra parking space at church on Sunday. Millions of men will be glued to their seats in living rooms, stadiums, and sports bars everywhere as they run the emotional gambit watching their favorite teams do weekly battle. This is not to say that women aren’t fans as well, but they’re better at multi-tasking. It’s all tunnel vision for men.

The focus, the concentration, the research. Yes he can tell you every stat from where the quarterback went to high school to how many jumping jacks the kicker does on cold mornings. Men become FBI Agents when it comes to background checks and fact finding on his team…yet he struggles with anniversaries.

Football season is also the resentment season for a lot of women. They stand by and watch their seemingly unemotional man show such deep levels of concern, attention and passion for something other than them. Household duties and issues take a backseat while the game is on. Lassie can be tugging at his pant leg, but little Timmy may just have to stay in the well until halftime. Even sex can be trumped by Monday Night Football, and don’t let his team lose…she might as well just go to bed early.

Ladies, this isn’t to say that he doesn’t love you. This is one of those few things like his car or even his hair that he aligns with manhood. This is one of the few activities that a man is free and accepted to be emotional about. Where he can show off his football knowledge, brag about his team’s accomplishments, and bond with other men through sh*t talking. Don’t try to understand it, just accept it. Much like we do with your shopping, shoes, make up, tv shows, books, movies & pretty much everything else you’re in to.

This is one of those times that women need to learn how to “take the L”. Game time is not when we want to have a discussion about our relationship, job, family, vacations, or you. Yes we appreciate that you want to learn about the game, but kickoff is not when we want to field your questions or teach you. It’s not cute to hear you debate football knowledge with men, right or wrong. Football is a high testosterone zone, so yes we’re staring at the cheerleaders, the waitress, the girl in the jersey, the chick on the sideline, etc. Just let us eat, drink, watch, & be merry.

Some women love football because it gives them time to do what they want. They just leave beer and a trough of food and walk out the door. This is good too.

We know you’re there and appreciate when you allow us to enjoy what we like uninterrupted. A woman that knows how to manage the clock and successfully maneuver around her man on game days is more valuable than Drew Brees on a Fantasy Football team. You will get all the attention you need, and maybe a little more (depending on who wins) so sit tight.

This moment is for all the ladies that don’t know how to play their position during the football season. Trying to take that from him rivals his manhood and attacks his ego, women have been benched for less.

Make it a difficult or uncomfortable experience for him to watch the game at home and he…could…go…all…the…way…out the door!

Go Bears!!!
Creative Commons License This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 Generic License.