Wednesday, November 28, 2012

The Struggle You Save...

“The more things change, the more they stay the same…”

Kids playing baseball in the street, riding bikes (to the end of the block), hopscotch, double dutch, red light green light, freeze tag, depending on your age this seems more or less a part of your childhood. Then again maybe you came from the X Box, Playstation, era. In any event, I’m talking about childhood.

That period of life where we grew up making our own friends, discovering who we were outside of just being someone’s child or sibling. This is when our individual personalities developed. Maybe we were leaders amongst our peers…or just wanted to be. Maybe we were the fastest or the strongest, possibly the shy or funny one. How we were on the playground in those early years helped to shape the men and women we grew to be. Some of those habits we developed then carried over into adulthood…good and bad.

Recently I was listening to old songs from the Motown era and one came on that stood out to me. Now Motown was home of a lot of great artists; Stevie Wonder, Smokey Robinson, Diana Ross & more. This song that jumped out at me was done by the Jackson 5. Yes Michael long before he was ’Moon walking” with “the glove” & the headlines that would follow.

He was a young boy on stage with his brothers singing grown lyrics from a young perspective. The song was, ‘The Love You Save”. I actually listened to the words of this song and couldn’t believe how many people I know that it applies to. Let’s take it back…

“When we played tag in grade school
You wanted to be it.
But chasing boys was just a fad
You crossed your heart you'd quit.

When we grew up you traded
Your promise for my ring
Now just like back to grade school
You're doing the same old thing!

Stop! The love you save may be your own!
Darling, take it slow
Or some day you'll be all alone.
You'd better stop the love you save may be your own!
Darling, look both ways before you cross me
You're headed for the danger zone.”

Now this part had me listening. We all know (or maybe your are) the girls that are all about the “Chase”. Playing “catch & release” with boys affections. The little girls that love being the flower amongst a swarm of bees. As fun as it may be in the beginning there are definite repercussions.

“I’m the one who loves you!
I’m the one you need!
Those other guys will put you down
As soon as they succeed!
They'll ruin your reputation!
They'll label you a flirt!
The way they talk about you
They'll turn your name to dirt”

The funny thing about boys (men too) is the ego is first. A lot of things said to get her “affection” have more to do with him than her. That being said, guys will lie either way, to get what they want or about what they didn’t get. If she does he’s giving exaggerated details, if she doesn’t he’s giving Shakesperean fiction.

“Isaac said he kissed you
Beneath the apple tree
When Benji held your hand he felt E-lec-tri-ci-tee!
When Alexander called you
He said he rang your chimes.
Christopher discovered
You're way ahead of your time!”

My point…ladies if you’re of age now, the rules still apply. Just as grown men can huddle around a video game for hours at 30 years old, we still hold on to some of our childhood behaviors. True we mature in many ways but our ego is still a recognized shot caller! That’s why it’s so important to distinguish the difference between the man that will EARN your attention vs. the boy who wants you to GIVE him you’re “affection”.

“S is for "Save it"
T is for "Take it slow"
O is for "Oh, no!"
P is for "Please, please, don't go!"

This moment is dedicate to the young ladies that easily learned their ABC’s but had to learn the hard way when it came to B-O-Y-S. Please understand that this song narrates the birth of a Side Chick & is the back story to “16 & Pregnant”. This is how you end up with 15 year old daughters letting all the little boys at school "know what that mouth do". Best case it’s Chapter 1 of “The Relationship Struggle Life Handbook”. Ladies it is so important that these little girls know that until they're of age to truly deal with a male and all that comes with it their vagina needs to be treated like a T bone steak and those little boys a pack of starving wolves. Just as you wouldn't tempt the wolves by dangling the steak in front of them, put a pad lock on the box.

Fathers raise those daughters. You're the first line of defense in the war on Ratchets & Bitchassness. Attention from you will curb a lot of that need for attention from them...and for you ladies trying to live the “Fast Life”…

Stop! The love and the struggle you save may be your own…

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Saturday, November 17, 2012

Looking For Mr. Write

“My perfect man would have…”

Ladies you know this one, this is where you fill in the blanks on his height, weight, occupation, ethnicity, etc. Where you describe him to a tee as if you were talking to a police sketch artist to put out an APB for a M-A-N. This isn’t new. You ladies have been doing this since grade school, describing your “Prince Charming”, but alas…still no “Knight in Shining Armor.”

What went wrong? You knew exactly what you wanted, even memorized the recipe. A bit of Will Smith, with a splash of Johnny Depp. Add some Denzel as you blend in some Channing Tatum & Colin Farrell. The Rock here some Justin there…sprinkle in a little Redford & McQueen…5 star cook, well traveled, large income (but humble), great dancer, amazing sense of humor, with a slight accent, romantic, compassionate yet manly…I mean how hard could it be to find him?

See where this is going? First off there is absolutely nothing wrong with visioning what you want. In fact it’s necessary, the important part is to not get too hung up on Mr. Right or should I say Mr. Write? That well documented list of qualifications you’re looking for. There are a lot of women who believe that there are no good men out there. They themselves are attractive, independent, educated and single but can’t seem to find their male counterpart. He’s either an underachiever and she has to groom and build him up, he’s got his stuff together but wants nothing to do with a committed relationship, isn’t into women or is already taken.

My response…sucks doesn’t it? I know that may not be comforting but there is hope. Today’s relationship marketplace is a “Buyer’s Market”, that means it favors men. We have a little more leverage than in the past, especially if we have our stuff together. With Bitchassness running so rampant these days, a man with his stuff together has an insanely high market value. That leads to an increased amount of competition when it comes to you ladies…but fear not…I’m here to help.

Ladies I need you to understand that compromising is not the same as “settling”. You’re not being asked to take a downgraded degree of happiness, just a realistic approach to finding it. Look, most men are not with their “ideal” woman. (Hurts I know) If you asked him to describe his perfect woman; that 5”10, long legged, big booty, tiny waist, flat stomach, double D’s, pretty face, long haired, lady that cooks like his mama with porn star capabilities is most likely not who is on his arm. But if you turned around and asked him if he was happy and in love with the woman he’s with he’d say yes. What she may not be on paper she is in person. He didn’t “settle” he realized what he needs to be happy & found the right person instead of the other way around.

Where we differ as men and women when it comes to finding the “perfect” person is, women fish with a spear where men fish with dynamite. The women who can’t find that “perfect” man are trying to spear one particular fish in the ocean where men just toss a stick of dynamite in the lake and see what floats closest to the boat. Neither is an exact science but men are usually more open because we find things we didn’t know we’d like or need, keep it if it’s good if not throw it back. Where a lot of women are finding themselves standing alone in the boat…waiting.

Men are simple, we’re ego based. Any woman that falls within our “attractive range” that knows how to keep the urges satisfied and that ego inflated 9 times out of 10 is a keeper. You ladies have much more layers. Ladies this is when it’s time to make a P.I.M.P (Protection, Instruction, Management of Priorities) decision. Understand that you having all of your stuff together will have you viewed as potentially problematic to a lot of men. It’s not about being intimidated, many accomplished women come with a degree of arrogance and no man really wants that. Established or not you still need to play your position and get your ego inflating on. I know this may not seem promising or hopeful for some of you…but such is life.

Just as men realize being a man is rooted in responsibility, for you ladies it’s in your compassion and sacrifice. For some of you it means changing in Colin Farrell for Will or a set of 6 pack abs for a heart that beats for you. For as accomplished as some of you women are, you’re not the best in discerning what’s good and what’s good for you. Being Mr. Write doesn’t make him Mr. Perfect.

Ladies the important part to remember is the love. The ones that typically say they can’t find Mr. Write is because they’re hung up on the story not the message. You need to realize when you have that dragon slaying knight in front of you and not disregard him over something like what brand of sword he uses or what model horse he rides.

If you can do that you stand a much better chance of finding that storybook romance…even if his armor isn’t that shiny.

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